Fake it till you make it

~~Fake it till you make it. A year ago, that’s where I was at with Aiden. I was going through the motions of loving him but the feelings weren’t there. I would check on him before I went to bed at night and I was okay with him sleeping in his crib - in my house. I had come to terms with that, but it wasn’t the same as when I checked on the girls. When I looked in on them, their sweet, peaceful faces tugged at my heart strings. I wanted to snuggle up beside them and give them a hugs and gentle kisses. They were so precious to me. Aiden was mine, but he hadn’t become precious.
I really wanted to feel more love for him. I wanted to feel like he was precious. I continually prayed for it and asked God for it.  I asked Chad if he thought it would always be this way for me. He couldn’t give me an answer. My only solution was to fake it. I couldn’t feel the kind of love I wanted so I decided to act like I did. I kept reminding myself of 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 “Love is patient and kind…. It is not irritable or resentful…. Love bears all things, endures all things.” This is often hard for me to do with people I ‘feel’ love for so it was definitely a struggle with Aiden. However, over time I began to see a change in my heart. He was slowly growing on me and love was blossoming.
At first I didn’t realize a change had happened. I didn’t really realize it until a few months ago. He was crying one night and when I went in to him I wanted to pick him up and comfort him. I wanted to snuggle him. Instead of going in and giving him a quick pat on the back, I picked him up and took time with him – and I enjoyed it. Then one night when I went to check on him before I went to bed I looked at him sleeping and I thought, “I want to pick him up and give him a cuddle.” I immediately realized how huge that was and right then and there I thanked God for the change he was making in my heart. Aiden was becoming precious to me. Finally! I wasn’t doomed to living a life of just being okay with his presence, I could love him the way I wanted to.
I don’t know why this journey has been difficult but I do know that difficult isn’t always bad. Through this process I have learned a lot about myself and a lot about love.
This morning our pastor read this quote by C.S. Lewis and it perfectly sums up my journey this past year.
“Do not waste time bothering whether you “love” your neighbour;
act as if you did. As soon as we do this we find one of the great secrets.
When you are behaving as if you loved someone you will
presently come to love him.”